Growing up, I heard the chatter that was redundant fall out of every parent’s mouth:
“They grow up too soon.”
“It seems like yesterday they were in diapers.”
“Next thing you know they will be in college.”
Words that all parents share, feelings and sentiments we all bask in and wonder about how time passes so quickly. And we all share in the worries and what-if’s of tomorrow.
I know I am not alone in the second-thoughts, motives, and self-doubts in my parenting. It’s just that the mom-guilt is so heavily burdened by the grief-guilt, some days I feel like I cannot take the pressure. The struggle, the tightness of my heart, trying to control the tears from falling. You see, not only do I fear all the things we share in as we walk our parenting journeys, but I also have other fears. Fears that arise from my son’s daddy being in Heaven far too soon. Fears that I try to quiet, and hush, every single day. But they are real. Grief is real. It never ends. And the more we talk about it, the more we know there are others out there who share in our fears and struggles.
I fear, daily, one day he will forget his Daddy. His memories, the talks we have about him, how he looked, what they said to each other.
I fear one day our sweet baby will stop talking about his Daddy. Even though that sweet boy has never went a day without talking about his Dad, since the day he was fourteen months old, when daddy joined the angel army with Jesus.
I fear the amount of hours I work will tell our son I didn’t have time for him. Even though, he goes to work with me, coaches on the sidelines with me, I fear he will see a mom that always had to work, and didn’t have time to always get in the floor to play with just him.
I fear, every hour of every day, I am not providing the male opportunities his Daddy would, if he were here. Even though I spend hours researching, building projects, riding four-wheelers, taking him fishing, explaining how mechanics work–what if it isn’t enough to fill the void of his Daddy being here?
I fear being a mom, I one day won’t have the manly advice to give to him, that only his Dad could. Then what? Do I fail? How do I overcompensate for that? Who do I trust to give up a little piece of my parenting role, to help mold him into a fine young man?
I fear the grief that has overwhelmed my heart since October 26, 2014 will taint our innocent sweet baby. I fear he will resent me for shedding so many tears, and being sad missing his daddy, even in the really good times.
I fear, every day, that I make wrong decisions, that will affect him a lifetime. The days I’m too tired after work to play, the too-many meals of take-out, and not enough home cooking. I fear I don’t color with him enough, that time is flying by so quickly, I can’t even slow it down.
I fear he doesn’t have enough male influence, that only men can provide. Will this harm him, create self-doubt, or low self-esteem, as he grows older and needs these influences?
I tell myself daily it is all ludicrous. I tell myself that all parents share in these unknown fears, that we are all just doing the best we can do. But what if the fears of a little boy who’s daddy went to heaven too soon, become real?
Fear is a gripping chain I try to throw off my back every day. It is a fight. It is a struggle. Fear never really goes away, it controls. And writing about it, allows us to free ourselves, and each other, knowing we are not alone.
I’m doing the best I can do, I really am.
A Sad Momma of a Sweet Boy Who’s Daddy Went to Heaven Too Soon
Firsts Beyond the First 
Beautiful blog. Your writing is so real, your pain so raw. It touches me every time I read your writing.
I have little to say of comfort. One thing someone told me when I was a single parent helped me. If a child has one person in their life who thinks they are the cat’s meow, they will be ok. Your son certainly has that. With all our prayers and you he will be fine.
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Gosh girl I couldn’t even imagine what goes through your head on a daily basis but after reading this I do have a better understanding of the battle you are faced with. The fact that you have had to sit and consider all these scenarios and make decisions about how to be such a good mom that you are providing the memories for both parents. To makes sure that your son remembers his daddy and has the experiences that only a father could/should/provide. We’ll speaking from the experience of growing up without a father(never knowing him a day in my life or even who he was) my mother felt the obligation of being both mom and dad to two young boys with seperate father’s my brother having known his dad but not having a great relationship with him. Watching him struggle to understand his situation and why his dad loved his new family more than he did him. And me never knowing my father or what that relationship is even like to do something with a father learning life lessons from a man’s perspective or even having a positive male influence at all. My mom has her work cut out for her even just to give an explanation when asked about our father’s was not an easy task. And she tried with no success to find a good man to be that male influence in our life time and time again. My brother as we grew older had a rough time dealing with the situation he was dealt and grew to resent our mother for putting him in this situation that he couldn’t spend the time with his dad that he wanted to because she wasn’t with his dad she never locked him down so he moved on and found A wife and had two kids and had that perfect family that my brother had been dreaming of only he wasn’t a part of it. So needless to say his and my mother’s relationship is very fragile. Me on the other hand having never known my father or really any details whatsoever about the man that created me. Always looked my mother for the answers to life’s mysteries I never wondered how life would be different or could be different with him in it. I always just admired my mother’s effort to be whatever role she had to be to make sure her boys were getting all of life’s experiences whether it be teaching us to fish or hunt or to play ball or even wide a stick. No parenting job was above her. Now she wasn’t perfect as a person her life choices led her and us down a very rough road but never once did I ever question the fact of does my mom love me or does she want what’s best for me. As an adult and looking back I realize all the things that we had struggled to understand as boys she had the same struggle with showing us that it doesn’t matter w h o is the parent life isn’t planned out and sticks to those plans. Things happen there are obstacles and road bumps but she made sure we felt the proper amount of love and discipline and gave us the tools we needed to grow to be successful young men. So no matter what the circumstances in life and as a child or a single mother there’s no determining what the future holds you can’t have all the answers you can only try your best make selfless decisions go ensure that your kids grow up in the best possible atmosphere to be successful and they will notice they will respect you for the effort you put in they won’t forget all the little things you did to put their mind at ease in hard times. And the main ingredient to being successful at this is honesty don’t sugarcoat things or hide things just explain as best you can and deal with the situations as they come in a respectable manner and your kids will love and respect you for it. I think with you being the dedicated mother you are and worrying so much about this issue trying so hard to make sure he knows his father and doesn’t forget those memories. There’s no way he ever will and he will have nothing but respect for you and his father that you went to all these lengths to make sure he remembered him that he must have been a great man for uou to have put so much into making sure that your son knew his father even though he couldn’t be there. Keep your head up girl keep being a great momma to that boy you can’t control the circumstances you were dealt noone can. All you can do is make the best of them and that’s the greatest lesson we could teach our kids.
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None of us know what life will hand us and you are doing a beautiful job of being and mommydaddy. Don’t put so much pressure on yourself. Continue to love freely as you do, as his daddy would do. That little boy will surely grow to be the man that makes his father proud.
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