To the Sweet Boy Who Makes Grief So Much Better…and So Much Worse

Dear Sweet Boy,

You are simply one of the most perfect things I have ever laid my eyes upon, throughout my entire lifetime. Those blue eyes are breathtaking and soul grabbing. The way your hair lies on your head and stops in that perfect haircalic on the left side, brings joy to my heart that I could never begin to describe. Your chunky legs that connect to those chubby feet that turn slightly inward, takes my breath away as I watch them pitter-patter across the floor. Your little square fingernail beds somehow mean the world to me, as I watch them grasp a crayon to color in our favorite coloring book. And your heart! Your heart is so tender, so pure; how your love is displayed in each of your words and actions–reminds me I am the luckiest person in the whole entire world.

What I need you to know though is that all of these things, and more, absolutely kill me everyday. It is an emotion I never knew existed until your Daddy left us here on Earth without him physically present anymore. That emotion is called “duality;” it means I have two complete opposite emotions at the same exact time–the deepest love and the deepest sorrow of pain.

You see, those deep, ocean blue eyes are your Daddy’s. They pierce my heart when they meet my own blue eyes, and somehow reach deep into my soul. They remind me the day I looked into your Daddy’s eyes and vowed to be his wife through sickness and health; they remind me the day your Daddy’s eyes looked quizzically into mine and asked me what the doctor’s told me about his sickness; those blue eyes, sweet boy, remind me the moment your Daddy’s eyes poured the deepest love and appreciation into mine when the three of us became one that late summer night on August 21 when you were born. Those sweet baby blue’s are a definition of love that I so desperately miss, and yet still have.

That haircalic on the left side of your big forehead reminds me of your sweet Daddy’s head. The nights of doing nothing, but rubbing his head back and forth so he could fall asleep. The desperation of times when Daddy was losing his hair, because the medicine trying to save him, was killing all of his healthy cells, too. It reminds me of the kisses I placed upon his head, because it hurt Daddy too much to kiss him anywhere else, when the cancer was taking him from us. That sweet haircalic seems to bring joy at the same time it brings that lump in my throat I always try to choke down, because I don’t want you to see more tears fall down my face.

Sweet boy: your sweet, tender, and purest of hearts take the cake of my duality though! I’m yet again astonished that God wove your mannerisms, responses, facial expressions and personality of your sweet Daddy into you. I’m without words when I realize how much you know about your Daddy, when the world–especially science–tells us you should not remember him at all. You do, though. The way you want everyone to be your friend, you wipe your momma’s own tears away from her tear-stained face, and tell me it will be okay–because, “Daddy can see us.” How do you know the right thing to say every time? How is your young heart so capable of understanding other’s pain? How do you make it so much better, and so much worse, all at the same time? I guess that is your Daddy, too. That is truly the only explanation.

The firsts of watching you walk, saying your first sentence, shooting a basketball for the first time, and crawling under your truck to “fix” it with your tools are moments I could never begin to tell you how my heart could burst, because of the pride swelling inside it. But sweet boy, those moments that my smile is as big as my pride, the tears that won’t stop falling are because I know your Daddy is that proud too! I can feel it: the lump in my throat, the tears that burn my eyelids, and the breeze I feel down my spine, because he is the first person I think of in these moments, every single time. There will never be any words to describe how much better you make my days without your Daddy. Oh, but sweet boy, they are so much harder too.

Trust me when I say this: I would never trade it for a moment. This all hurts so bad, because we all love each other so much. Love is worth everything, including the tears, my sweet boy.

I Love You My Precious Baby,

Mommy

 

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