In six days, it will be five years since my life as I had imagined and planned, came to a wrecking stop. You see, it wrecked, flipped, tumbled, and fell out from underneath me, before it stopped. That’s because at seven months pregnant, my husband was diagnosed with Stage III Colon Cancer; only to find out six weeks later, a week before our son was born, that the cancer had already spread to his liver. Nothing went to plan after that. Nothing at all.

I asked God many times in the sixteen month fight my husband and I put up against the Big-C, to spare his life. I told Him he could take me instead, but to give my son his Daddy. I bartered with God, the One who knows all, and told him I would sacrifice the pain Joe screamed out in every day and night. I told him He could have my career, my accolades, all of my titles and accomplishments, if only He would spare my husband and best friend. I did this because I knew more. I knew Joe deserved to be the one on this Earth. He has a heart like none other I have encountered. His quiet demeanor only means more persistence to be the best, and to provide the best. He had far more to teach our son and daughter, than I ever could.

God didn’t listen. He didn’t barter. God didn’t even accept my compromises, promises, or demands.

He also didn’t ask my permission to be a first-time mom, while being a caregiver for my terminally ill husband, and then to become a widow, with a fourteen month old infant nudging me on to live.  I’m so glad he didn’t.

In retrospect, I think God’s requisition might have went something like this, “Kristina, if you will walk this road with your husband, your best friend, your partner, I will reward you with the career you’ve always dreamed of, higher education you never thought possible. I’ll give you opportunities to touch others’ lives with the story I gave you to live. I will ensure your every need is met, desires beyond your greatest imagination to travel, give abundantly to others, and a fulfillment from the loss you will endure. There are so many wonderful things you cannot even imagine, but first, I need you to cut your time short with Joe, watch your son cry and long for his Earthly father, and allow your heart to never be the same from the gaping hole you will always feel when you kiss him good-bye for the first time.”

You know why I’m glad he didn’t ask my permission?

Because I would have said, “NO!” I would have said no a million and five times over, never giving him a chance to give me rebuttal, compromise, or thought for this life He needed me to live. I would have sold my soul away to have my husband lay next to me every night and raise our children together. I told God these things too. I’d trade it all, for Joe to be healed completely and come home to me every night.

God knew I wouldn’t have budged. He knows you wouldn’t budge either, if He told you ahead of time the difficult road you would need to walk.  He knows we are humans that could never possibly think of everything. He knows that spouse that is praying for their partner to put their family first, didn’t want that road. He knows the parent that weeps beside their dying child’s hospital bed, would give their own life so their child could live. He knows that expecting momma who couldn’t carry a child full-term, would give her soul to see the face of that sweet baby she felt kicking inside. He even knows that Daddy who laid in a hospital bed, begging God to spare his life so he could watch his infant son grow up to ride a bike, teach him how to drive a truck, and see him off to prom– would have chosen those things over God using his story to bring others to have eternal life.

I am human, and for that I am selfish. I would have traded everything I own, everything I have accomplished for my husband to live, for my son to have his father, for our daughter to have her Daddy walk her down the aisle. But since God didn’t ask me for my permission, I will accept the opportunities He places in front of me to share His goodness. He took care of our every need, and still continues to do so. He allows me to give back to others that are living a similar road to our own story, and to bring healing to my heart when I do so. He has saved lives of others, formed words that others could not articulate, and allowed me to share with others the nastiest road of life–grief.

God doesn’t ask our permission for the difficult roads He places in front of us, because we are humans. We would never pick it, because of the pain and sacrifice we know we would endure. But if, along the way, one other person can be helped, lifted up, healed because you can share life’s hardest moments with them, wouldn’t you say, “Yes.”

If your difficult path allowed someone to come to know God, wouldn’t you perhaps say, “Yes.”

If you don’t think so, then look back and realize what God has already done. He didn’t ask your permission, but he saw you through it. Allow it to be a blessing to another.

XOXO,

A  Widow, Without Giving God Permission